Wait! This is no limmerick!

This is a haiku.

~Owlyus Chamberlain, High School Creative Writing Club

So to re-enter the world of bullshitting about pop culture, I introduce five dudes that have it going on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally straight, but I am man enough to admit when another man is charming and handsome enough to actually steal a date or two from me (no small feat).

Here they are in no particular order:

Hugh Laurie: Say what you will about Hugh Grant, but if this man was the one in Love, Actually women would have stopped wearing panties in March of 2004. That’s how dangerous his charms are. Why do you think he had to do the Stuart Little movies instead? So he wouldn’t ruin all women for the rest of us honest blokes.

Most people know Hugh Laurie as one of the most American-sounding British actors on TV (especially now that The Wire is kaput). What people like me with a Wikipedia widget surgically implanted in their heads (not really stop worrying) know is that he is also an accomplished British-sounding British actor who has starred in a healthy wealth of British comedies, many with fellow comedian Stephen Fry (you know, the guy with the Koran in V for Vendetta). He also plays piano and guitar really well, rides motorcycles, and wrote a fucking detective novel. Seriously. Go to Amazon and buy The Gun Seller right now.

John Legend: I had to go to his concert by myself because I didn’t want my girlfriend to have stratospherically high expectations for the men in her life or get arrested for indecent exposure when she would have tried to take her Legend-born lust out on me in the middle of the Orpheum. He can sing, he plays piano like a fiend, he dresses impeccably, and who does he pay to keep his facial hair so neatly trimmed? Classy all the way.

Thomas Dolby: Naw I’m just kidding. It would speak poorly of me as a guitarist if everyone on this list was a piano/keyboard player. However, as a corrollary to the last posting and as a lemma to a potential future posting, any woman that will have sex with you with “She Blinded me with Science” playing in the background is a total keeper.

David Boreanaz: How can you have a name like David Boreanaz and not be the shit? Seriously. Forget the tallness, the spiky hair, that laser-carved jawline, the brief time in Buffy where Angel was wickedly awesome and evil instead of Emo Vampire Supreme, and the phallically-named show he’s on now. His fucking name is David Motherfucking Boreanaz (note: His actual middle name is Paul, but if middle names were earned instead of simply owned I would be right). Ladies, if there is one name I want to be called in bed that isn’t one of my many nicknames, it’s David Boreanaz. Don’t judge me until you try it yourself. This hombre is definitely not a Paul Gasol (pictured, age 2)

Barack Obama: This one is not even close to a maybe. He looks good, he has a way with words, he’s spent significant time overseas in his childhood, and soon he will be the handsomest President of the United States since…. well… does the black guy from 24 count?

Let’s face it: Power is sexy, but most presidents are usually too old, too ugly, or too scary to really capitalize on it (not that that’s any excuse. If FDR can wheel himself from mistress to mistress for his whole career, so can any president). Barack Obama is none of those things (unless you’re John McCain. Then he’s all three. But if you’re John McCain, you’re also senile as holy hell and probably need new glasses).

On an unrelated note, how messed up is it that my mom, a lifelong democrat, is pro-McCain and my dad, a lifelong-republican, is pro-Obama? The former is true because my mom really wanted to see a woman president before she died and holds grudges like a Birtish Bulldog, and the latter might be because Barack reminds my golfophilic dad of Tiger Woods, who would also be on this list if he gained 15 pounds, got a goattee, and wore sunglasses more often. Sorry, but he still looks like a 16 year-old to me. No problem though. Between the two of them and [insert future quadroon that will break Wayne Gretzky's records' name here], no white sports will be safe!

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez: Lefty-guitar player. Afro. Glasses. Propensity for jumping around on stage like a madman. Writer of complex songs. Anyone that saw my band in high school (Livid Serene. Man, the names high school kids come up with…) really shouldn’t be surprised about why I love this man. He is a skinnier, bilingual, more skilled version of yours truly the Omstar Runner. You want proof that God exists and is looking out for the women and music fans of the world? Both he and I exist. I rest my case.

(NOTE: As these are all my opinions and only mine, by “good songs to get it on to” I mean “good songs for heterosexual sex-type-happenings.” If any members of the gay community want to comment on how similar or different things are on their side of the ballpark, I encourage such.)

• Freddie’s Dead by Curtis Mayfield: Between the pseudo-pornographic guitar lick, the auxillary percussion, and that genius bass line this easily rivals “Give Me Your Love (Love Song)” for sexiest music off of the Superfly Soundtrack. The big difference? The latter is actually about lovemaking. The former? A junkie being held down by his woman and eventually dying in the ghetto that bore him. Makes you just want to jump the next thing that moves, don’t it?.
• Human Nature by Madonna: Sonically, this song has all the ingredients for good down-getting. Sexy bassline, throaty chick-whispers, a G-Funk-tastical synth hook over the chorus, enough to make any man wish that the CD this song came on had a bigger hole in the middle (and 2 more while we’re at it (see photo)).

Scary visual images aside, the lyrics are all Madonna lashing out against critics for bashing her previous album. “Did I stay too long?/Oops, I didnt know I couldnt speak my mind”? “You held me down and tried to make me break”? Most guys don’t want to hear a woman complain about mistreatment in mid-coitus. Frankly girls, a good deal of us already hear way too much of this from you in general. Also, the chihuahua in the music video is not sexy.

• Anything by Ol’ Dirty Bastard: As with any Wu-Tang artist, the beats Dirt McGirt rapped over are pretty awesome. Not the sexiest beats ever, but early-period-RZA’s low-fi drum loops and basic bass lines are the right tempo to give every white guy at the club a clue what to do with their women. The big problem? Let me illustrate with a little skit of what WON’T happen if you try to have sex to Osirus…

OMAR (me): What do you want to listen to, baby?

UMA THURMAN: Just put on your Hip Hop Mix. I don’t care I just want you so badly, Omstar!

<<”Shimmy Shimmy Ya” starts to play>>

OMAR: How’s that?

UMA: MMMM! I have no idea what he’s rapping about! THAT’S SO SPICY!

OMAR: R… Really?

UMA: Definitely! His voice reminds me of Bubbles and the Crackhead from Chappelle’s Show all rolled into one! This makes me hotter than Gary Oldman ever could!

Far-removed, demi-references to David Letterman’s hosting of the Oscars aside, I believe I made my point.

Side Note: Since most of the other members of the Wu Tang Clan either rap about gang violence, science fiction, or old kung fu movies their stuff more-or-less falls into the same category.

• Smack My Bitch Up by Prodigy: The entire album Fat of the Land almost made it into this spot, but I didn’t cut the rest of the tracks because the lyrics are more appropriate. I cut them because this is the only track off of the album that’s even half-appropriate for sex-having in the first place. The rest of the songs are too intense (“Funky Shit”), too fast (“Fuel My Fire”), or too damn scary (“Firestarter”) for you to have any chance of getting a woman to touch you until you put on some Fugees or something. At least SMBU is mid-tempo, doesn’t use heavy metal guitars, and actually has a slow-downy bridge for those of you guys that like to change tempo here and there while doing the deed (which should be all of you unless you’re rich enough to be boring in bed and still keep a woman interested). (Not the Jonas Akerlund-directed original masterpiece, but still good)
• Ava Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins: Here’s one for all the guys with girlfriends that look like a cross between Diablo Cody and Dita Von Teese. Hipsters. Goths. Whatever the case may be, here’s a real gem for when you’re getting freaky, supposing she doesn’t have a critical ear for song lyrics. Though Billy Corgan’s sneery voice may detract from the experience, the dirty, bass driven rhythm is just as good for raw goth sex as their previous song which was on the Lost Highway soundtrack, Eye. However, Eye‘s lyrics can at least be semi-construed as sexy (especially the deliciously yonic lyric “Turn to the gates of Heaven/To myself feel down.” Sexiest thing that bald alien-baby-looking man ever said).

Enter Ava Adore. From, “You’ll always be my whore,” to “And I’ll pull your crooked teeth/You’ll be perfect just like me,” Will Corgan commits sexytime suicide. “Hi honey! How was your day? By the way, can I degrade you and point out your physical shortcomings when we make whoopy tonight?” Even I couldn’t make that one work, so God help any of you.

I love the state of Hawaii.

It has a lot of things that I like in it: Shave Ice stands (pictured), people that refused to settle for living in California, and tiny stringed instruments (though I have to represent my Egyptian heritage and say that ‘Ouds kick Ukuleles in the sound-hole). Hawaii also has beautiful beaches, women, scenery, good Korean food, and I double dare anyone to go to the Pearl Harbor Memorial Museum/USS Arizona Memorial and not get a chill down their spine, especially history buffs or those of you with a veteran in the family.

That said, let us discuss the Aloha State’s capital city. Frankly, as a city it’s as underwhelming as Hawaiian gas prices are ridiculous. One should keep in mind that this is not a fault of Hawaii but more of an unfortunate side effect of Hawaii being what it is. People don’t go to Hawaii to be in a city. They go to have pope-endorsed intercourse, parasail, surf, and see volcanoes. Granted, you can do the former in Honolulu proper, but you probably already rented your car and drove somewhere more scenic for the latter three (or went with another Hawaiian island altogether).

So what is Honolulu good for if it’s not good for normal city stuff like nightlife, coffee shops, and sports teams? Prostitutes and ABC stores.

Prostitution: The only times I have been approached by prostitutes have been when I was walking around the area around my Waikiki hotel. Though I didn’t partake in their services, they were still a source of amusement for me. You see, they would continuously march up and down this one street looking for Johns with one or two police officers always about forty paces behind them on foot. It was either the world’s lamest Vice stake-out or the world’s worst sting operation, but either way I shared an internal chuckle with myself over it. The girls also had an interesting sense of humor (“Hey boys! Wanna buy an orgasm!?”). Must be why Honolulu has been such a ho hot spot since WWII.

ABC Stores: For those of you travelers that feel squeamish about prostitution for any reason, here is your answer: Honolulu’s string of
ubiquitous convenience/souvenir stores. You may ask, “Owlyus Chamberlain, esquire! How will Hawaii’s version on Long’s satisfy my need for dirty, scary loving?” Seven words: Girls of Hawaii Calendars and Playing Cards. Hachi-machi!

Tanned nipples aside, these stores are pretty awesome. Where else can you get duffelbag-sized things of boxes of chocolate-covered Macadamia nuts? Seriously. The sheer bulkitude of the Hawaiian candy sold in these places would make Baron von Costco blush. I mean, it makes sense because you would want to buy a lifetime supply of the stuff for when you get home, but it’s still a site to see in the stores themselves, my brothers and sisters.

Final Score: 6/10. Honolulu breaks .500 simply because I’m going to have to go through it again to see any other part of Hawaii (not because of the prostitutes P), which I really need to do since I only got to see Oahu the one time I went.

On a half-related note, I just saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall (awesome!), and is it just me or has any Jew looked more like a mulatto than Mila Kunis in that movie? It seriously took me like 20 minutes to figure out it was her.

As much fun as it was learning about an antiquated version of a modern convenience I can’t afford and have no practical use for (pictured) when I was trying to do research, this posting is about the Nabisco treat that was 86′ed at some point when I wasn’t paying attention. Back in the good ol’ days it was Fig, Apple, and Raspberry. Fig’s OK but overall bland, Raspberry’s far too tart, but Apple! Zounds! Apple Newtons were the tastiest things in the world! Sweet, apple-y, soft, chewy (but not TOO chewy!), they were everything a kid could ask for, and on the practical side they don’t literally give you a shit-eating grin like Oreos.

Nowadays in a world where rock music has gone to the John and fell in (sorry indie kids, but I remember that Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and grunge happened), and high school kids are bringing cellphones with matching glocks to school there are no Apple Newtons. Fig and Raspberry are still standing strong, and some pretenders have come and gone (pictured), but what did they settle on for Appley-Bappley’s replacement? Strawberry Newtons! You can get strawberry-flavored food everywhere! Ever seen an Apple Starburst? No, and with good reason. Frankly not that much food tastes good Apple-ized (e.g. Sour Apple-flavored anything).

But Apple Newtons did! National Biscuit Company, you are fools for letting go of your strongest cookie (emm.. err.. “fruited cake”). Just as any true New Englander would tell you, if you can make something with apples in it, you should, and since these damn things were first produced in Massachusetts it feels inappropriate not to.

Not to be anti-SWPL, but I almost wonder if Apple Computers is behind this. Anyone that’s ever tried to download Penny Lane on iTunes knows a little bit about their history of pissing matches with similarly-named enterprises. Maybe Nabisco didn’t feel like it was worth fighting with a bunch of nerds with expensive lawyers from Silicon Valley just to keep their number two Newton.

Strawberry was safer for legal reasons. That’s what I’ll tell myself.

Not that Philadelphia is a little guy in any way, shape, or form. It’s a damn good city.

My Experience There: I went down to visit for about a half a week last Summer as part of my tour of the Middle-Atlantic before I went to Butt-kley. My original thoughts going into there were “I have a couple friends in the area, and it’s a short bus ride to NY so it will be easy to swing both,” but it’s actually a good stand-alone city in its own right (redundancy intended). Its only problems are that:

1. It’s padded on several sides by scary-ass ghettos like the head of an amateur boxer during a sparring match,  and
2. It blooms too close to the HGH-infused-dandelion-from-Hell known as New York City. Seriously. If you took Philly and put it right in the Bay Area somewhere, it would kick Frisco’s ass AND out-ghetto Oakland. Besides, I’d take Boyz II Men and Rocky over The Counting Crows and Dontrelle “on the DL” Willis any day.

The main part of it is great though. There’s more than enough museums to fill my culture quota, lovely parks, Yuengling, and committed-yet-extremely-unlucky sports fans (though it must be noted how quickly Phillies Phans turn on their players if they are sucking. For the game I saw where John Lieber (pictured) gave up a ton of runs, in the next half-inning when he was at bat someone in the crowd yelled “Just get a walk! Then you can eat a box of donuts later!”). They also have an un-intimidating gay neighborhood, and Philadelphia is the location of the BEST 80′s night I have ever been to (though that’s mostly because the DJ played Eddie Murphy’s song “Party All the Time“)

Unfortunately both of the people I visited in Philly are currently in South America (odd, no?), so it may be a while before I go back. I totally will though. It’s too fun a town not to.

Final Score: 8/10. I’m definitely visiting again, I’d love to bike around it’s quaint streets and lovely parks, and I could see myself moving there for a high-paying job and/or true love.

1. Cities that I like (three guesses what the first one will be)
2. Cities that I don’t like that much (two guesses for this one)
3. Man-crushes
4. Regular-crushes
5. My plan to marry into a large ____ family
6. Other things I like/dislike and why
7. Comparisons between things I like/dislike with one winner declared at the end
8. Whatever else I say you should think.

If I end up writing a lot of crap about the same kind of thing but it doesn’t have it’s own category, I’ll make one. I’ll also accept requests for things to post about, but the ones that suck will get tore apart for all to see. A lot of things I’ll write articles about will be to describe uncommon opinions of mine (i.e. no articles about how Manhattan shits unicorn miracles from the Financial District to the park. For a better example, see my future posting of “Why L.A. is a much better city than San Francisco”).

See you soon, jerkies.

It’s Owlyus here. I’m bored, so I decided to write my inner musings on a blog. Some of them are designed to be funny. Some are designed to spark debate. All of them are my honest opinions. There might be exaggerations, but they will be there just to get my point across.