Archive for June, 2008

Man Crushes (AKA anti-Paul Gasols) #1

June 26, 2008

OK gang. I know it’s been almost 2 months since my last post. Between re-locating, finding work, and writing music with a band for the first time in years (!!) I’ve been occupied far away from my trusty blog. No more, though!

So to re-enter the world of bullshitting about pop culture, I introduce five dudes that have it going on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally straight, but I am man enough to admit when another man is charming and handsome enough to actually steal a date or two from me (no small feat).

Here they are in no particular order:

Hugh Laurie: Say what you will about Hugh Grant, but if this man was the one in Love, Actually women would have stopped wearing panties in March of 2004. That’s how dangerous his charms are. Why do you think he had to do the Stuart Little movies instead? So he wouldn’t ruin all women for the rest of us honest blokes.

Most people know Hugh Laurie as one of the most American-sounding British actors on TV (especially now that The Wire is kaput). What people like me with a Wikipedia widget surgically implanted in their heads (not really stop worrying) know is that he is also an accomplished British-sounding British actor who has starred in a healthy wealth of British comedies, many with fellow comedian Stephen Fry (you know, the guy with the Koran in V for Vendetta). He also plays piano and guitar really well, rides motorcycles, and wrote a fucking detective novel. Seriously. Go to Amazon and buy The Gun Seller right now.

Look at his face. Do YOU think Fergie is looking at the keyboard??

John Legend: I had to go to his concert by myself because I didn’t want my girlfriend to have stratospherically high expectations for the men in her life or get arrested for indecent exposure when she would have tried to take her Legend-born lust out on me in the middle of the Orpheum. He can sing, he plays piano like a fiend, he dresses impeccably, and who does he pay to keep his facial hair so neatly trimmed? Classy all the way. Such a special young man...

Thomas Dolby: Naw I’m just kidding. It would speak poorly of me as a guitarist if everyone on this list was a piano/keyboard player. However, as a corrollary to the last posting and as a lemma to a potential future posting, any woman that will have sex with you with “She Blinded me with Science” playing in the background is a total keeper.

David Boreanaz: How can you have a name like David Boreanaz and not be the shit? Seriously. Forget theTaken when he could still breathe through his fucking nose tallness, the spiky hair, that laser-carved jawline, the brief time in Buffy where Angel was wickedly awesome and evil instead of Emo Vampire Supreme, and the phallically-named show he’s on now. His fucking name is David Motherfucking Boreanaz (note: His actual middle name is Paul, but if middle names were earned instead of simply owned I would be right). Ladies, if there is one name I want to be called in bed that isn’t one of my many nicknames, it’s David Boreanaz. Don’t judge me until you try it yourself. This hombre is definitely not a Paul Gasol (pictured, age 2)

Barack Obama: This one is not even close to a maybe. He looks good, he has a way with words, he’s spent significant time overseas in his childhood, and soon he will be the handsomest President of the United States since…. well… does the black guy from 24 count?

Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty-mighty good manLet’s face it: Power is sexy, but most presidents are usually too old, too ugly, or too scary to really capitalize on it (not that that’s any excuse. If FDR can wheel himself from mistress to mistress for his whole career, so can any president). Barack Obama is none of those things (unless you’re John McCain. Then he’s all three. But if you’re John McCain, you’re also senile as holy hell and probably need new glasses).

On an unrelated note, how messed up is it that my mom, a lifelong democrat, is pro-McCain and my dad, a lifelong-republican, is pro-Obama? The former is true because my mom really wanted to see a woman president before she died and holds grudges like a Birtish Bulldog, and the latter might be because Barack reminds my golfophilic dad of Tiger Woods, who would also be on this list if he gained 15 pounds, got a goattee, and wore sunglasses more often. Sorry, but he still looks like a 16 year-old to me. No problem though. Between the two of them and [insert future quadroon that will break Wayne Gretzky’s records’ name here], no white sports will be safe!

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez: LeftyNot. Even. Fair.-guitar player. Afro. Glasses. Propensity for jumping around on stage like a madman. Writer of complex songs. Anyone that saw my band in high school (Livid Serene. Man, the names high school kids come up with…) really shouldn’t be surprised about why I love this man. He is a skinnier, bilingual, more skilled version of yours truly the Omstar Runner. You want proof that God exists and is looking out for the women and music fans of the world? Both he and I exist. I rest my case.