Archive for the ‘Cities – other’ Category

City that I Less-than-like #1: Honolulu

April 25, 2008

OK. Before I get a sea turtle thrown at me by my Hawaiian friend, let me clear up one distinction here.

I love the state of Hawaii.

Is not in the city

It has a lot of things that I like in it: Shave Ice stands (pictured), people that refused to settle for living in California, and tiny stringed instruments (though I have to represent my Egyptian heritage and say that ‘Ouds kick Ukuleles in the sound-hole). Hawaii also has beautiful beaches, women, scenery, good Korean food, and I double dare anyone to go to the Pearl Harbor Memorial Museum/USS Arizona Memorial and not get a chill down their spine, especially history buffs or those of you with a veteran in the family.

That said, let us discuss the Aloha State’s capital city. Frankly, as a city it’s as underwhelming as Hawaiian gas prices are ridiculous. One should keep in mind that this is not a fault of Hawaii but more of an unfortunate side effect of Hawaii being what it is. People don’t go to Hawaii to be in a city. They go to have pope-endorsed intercourse, parasail, surf, and see volcanoes. Granted, you can do the former in Honolulu proper, but you probably already rented your car and drove somewhere more scenic for the latter three (or went with another Hawaiian island altogether).

So what is Honolulu good for if it’s not good for normal city stuff like nightlife, coffee shops, and sports teams? Prostitutes and ABC stores.

Prostitution: The only times I have been approached by prostitutes have been when I was walking around the area around my Waikiki hotel. Though I didn’t partake in their services, they were still a source of amusement for me. You see, they would continuously march up and down this one street looking for Johns with one or two police officers always about forty paces behind them on foot. It was either the world’s lamest Vice stake-out or the world’s worst sting operation, but either way I shared an internal chuckle with myself over it. The girls also had an interesting sense of humor (“Hey boys! Wanna buy an orgasm!?”). Must be why Honolulu has been such a ho hot spot since WWII.

Pineapple soda and nudie playing cards for the people!ABC Stores: For those of you travelers that feel squeamish about prostitution for any reason, here is your answer: Honolulu’s string of
ubiquitous convenience/souvenir stores. You may ask, “Owlyus Chamberlain, esquire! How will Hawaii’s version on Long’s satisfy my need for dirty, scary loving?” Seven words: Girls of Hawaii Calendars and Playing Cards. Hachi-machi!

Tanned nipples aside, these stores are pretty awesome. Where else can you get duffelbag-sized things of boxes of chocolate-covered Macadamia nuts? Seriously. The sheer bulkitude of the Hawaiian candy sold in these places would make Baron von Costco blush. I mean, it makes sense because you would want to buy a lifetime supply of the stuff for when you get home, but it’s still a site to see in the stores themselves, my brothers and sisters.

Final Score: 6/10. Honolulu breaks .500 simply because I’m going to have to go through it again to see any other part of Hawaii (not because of the prostitutes :oP), which I really need to do since I only got to see Oahu the one time I went.

On a half-related note, I just saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall (awesome!), and is it just me or has any Jew looked more like a mulatto than Mila Kunis in that movie? It seriously took me like 20 minutes to figure out it was her.