Archive for the ‘Misc.’ Category

The Best Poem Ever, by Owlyus

July 10, 2008

Me in a past life in light reliefThere once was a man…

Wait! This is no limmerick!

This is a haiku.

 

~Owlyus Chamberlain, High School Creative Writing Club

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The Best Content-Inappropriate Songs to Get Down To

May 5, 2008

Here is a small list of songs where the beat/rhythm/melody/harmony/timbre/etc. say, “get it on!” While the lyrics say, well, something else entirely. Most of these are, in practice, still really good songs to get it on to since most of us don’t really think about these things (or much else) at the time.

(NOTE: As these are all my opinions and only mine, by “good songs to get it on to” I mean “good songs for heterosexual sex-type-happenings.” If any members of the gay community want to comment on how similar or different things are on their side of the ballpark, I encourage such.)

  • Freddie’s Dead by Curtis Mayfield: Between the pseudo-pornographic guitar lick, the auxillary percussion, and that genius bass line this easily rivals “Give Me Your Love (Love Song)” for sexiest music off of the Superfly Soundtrack. The big difference? The latter is actually about lovemaking. The former? A junkie being held down by his woman and eventually dying in the ghetto that bore him. Makes you just want to jump the next thing that moves, don’t it?.
  • Human Nature by Madonna: Sonically, this song has all the ingredients for good down-getting. Sexy bassline, throaty chick-whispers, a G-Funk-tastical synth hook over the chorus, enough to make any man wish that the CD this song came on had a bigger hole in the middle (and 2 more while we’re at it (see photo)).

Clearly not a CD, but whatever

Scary visual images aside, the lyrics are all Madonna lashing out against critics for bashing her previous album. “Did I stay too long?/Oops, I didnt know I couldnt speak my mind”? “You held me down and tried to make me break”? Most guys don’t want to hear a woman complain about mistreatment in mid-coitus. Frankly girls, a good deal of us already hear way too much of this from you in general. Also, the chihuahua in the music video is not sexy.

  • Anything by Ol’ Dirty Bastard: As with any Wu-Tang artist, the beats Dirt McGirt rapped over are pretty awesome. Not the sexiest beats ever, but early-period-RZA’s low-fi drum loops and basic bass lines are the right tempo to give every white guy at the club a clue what to do with their women. The big problem? Let me illustrate with a little skit of what WON’T happen if you try to have sex to Osirus…

OMAR (me): What do you want to listen to, baby?

UMA THURMAN: Just put on your Hip Hop Mix. I don’t care I just want you so badly, Omstar!

<<“Shimmy Shimmy Ya” starts to play>>

OMAR: How’s that?

UMA: MMMM! I have no idea what he’s rapping about! THAT’S SO SPICY!

OMAR: R… Really?

UMA: Definitely! His voice reminds me of Bubbles and the Crackhead from Chappelle’s Show all rolled into one! This makes me hotter than Gary Oldman ever could!

Far-removed, demi-references to David Letterman’s hosting of the Oscars aside, I believe I made my point.

Side Note: Since most of the other members of the Wu Tang Clan either rap about gang violence, science fiction, or old kung fu movies their stuff more-or-less falls into the same category.

  • Smack My Bitch Up by Prodigy: The entire album Fat of the Land almost made it into this spot, but I didn’t cut the rest of the tracks because the lyrics are more appropriate. I cut them because this is the only track off of the album that’s even half-appropriate for sex-having in the first place. The rest of the songs are too intense (“Funky Shit”), too fast (“Fuel My Fire”), or too damn scary (“Firestarter”) for you to have any chance of getting a woman to touch you until you put on some Fugees or something. At least SMBU is mid-tempo, doesn’t use heavy metal guitars, and actually has a slow-downy bridge for those of you guys that like to change tempo here and there while doing the deed (which should be all of you unless you’re rich enough to be boring in bed and still keep a woman interested). (Not the Jonas Akerlund-directed original masterpiece, but still good)
  • Ava Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins: Here’s one for all the guys with girlfriends that look like a cross between Diablo Cody and Dita Von Teese. Hipsters. Goths. Whatever the case may be, here’s a real gem for when you’re getting freaky, supposing she doesn’t have a critical ear for song lyrics. Though Billy Corgan’s sneery voice may detract from the experience, the dirty, bass driven rhythm is just as good for raw goth sex as their previous song which was on the Lost Highway soundtrack, Eye. However, Eye‘s lyrics can at least be semi-construed as sexy (especially the deliciously yonic lyric “Turn to the gates of Heaven/To myself feel down.” Sexiest thing that bald alien-baby-looking man ever said).

Enter Ava Adore. From, “You’ll always be my whore,” to “And I’ll pull your crooked teeth/You’ll be perfect just like me,” Will Corgan commits sexytime suicide. “Hi honey! How was your day? By the way, can I degrade you and point out your physical shortcomings when we make whoopy tonight?” Even I couldn’t make that one work, so God help any of you.

Format of Future Posts

April 8, 2008

Now, when I first decided to write a blog, I wanted it to have a specific focus a la Stuff White People Like. However, I kept getting way too many good ideas (a common problem for the Omster, I assure you). Therefore, I decided to abuse the “Categories” function for wordpress and have several species of posts. Here is a tentative list of them:

  1. Cities that I like (three guesses what the first one will be)
  2. Cities that I don’t like that much (two guesses for this one)
  3. Man-crushes
  4. Regular-crushes
  5. My plan to marry into a large ____ family
  6. Other things I like/dislike and why
  7. Comparisons between things I like/dislike with one winner declared at the end
  8. Whatever else I say you should think.

If I end up writing a lot of crap about the same kind of thing but it doesn’t have it’s own category, I’ll make one. I’ll also accept requests for things to post about, but the ones that suck will get tore apart for all to see. A lot of things I’ll write articles about will be to describe uncommon opinions of mine (i.e. no articles about how Manhattan shits unicorn miracles from the Financial District to the park. For a better example, see my future posting of “Why L.A. is a much better city than San Francisco”).

See you soon, jerkies.

“Welcome to your Doom!”

March 31, 2008

Sega Genesis quotes aside, hey guys!

It’s Owlyus here. I’m bored, so I decided to write my inner musings on a blog. Some of them are designed to be funny. Some are designed to spark debate. All of them are my honest opinions. There might be exaggerations, but they will be there just to get my point across.